Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
