She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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