awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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