i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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