Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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