my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
