Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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