What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't deserve a penis
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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