a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
