Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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