Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
a search helicopter?!
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
