If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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