my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
