she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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