Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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