did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
