so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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