I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
