Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
