Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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