im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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