M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
