Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
