The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
