a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
