Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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