if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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