hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
