So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
there is glitter all over my balls
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