Cold hands, warm shart.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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