I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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