I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
