About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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