Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
