i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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