So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
