I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
two words...techno handjob
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
