If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
