The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
