I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
