guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My bed smells like the plague
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
