That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I currently don't understand fingers.
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