so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
