I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
