I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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