my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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