Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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