Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
