well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
