Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
