i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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