Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
