Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
