I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
