Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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