Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
