you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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